While dealing with suicidal depression and panic attack anxiety, along with the alcoholism as a result of trying to self medicate my way through a torturous life, I managed to work, sporadically, for twenty years.

After leaving the USNavy, I couldn’t get a “normal” job, so I was a call girl, in 90s San Diego.

I charged a lot, so my clients were usually well educated and somewhat manageable, but I was still driven into deeper depression and heightened anxiety.

In 1998, at the age of 40, I was determined to be, “Totally and Permanently Disabled, Unemployable”, due to Major Depressive Disorder and Major Anxiety Disorder, along with a couple of attendant problems…suicide attempts, panic attacks and agoraphobia…

I was lucky to have worked enough to get SSDI, rather than SSI, though it wasn’t nearly enough to continue living in San Diego.

I occasionally have fantasies of working again, especially since I got sober and clean a little over two years ago…but after some false starts, no…just, no.

I live in a section 8 apartment, and walk or ride the bus, or, very occasionally, when I can afford it, call a taxi, to go shopping.

I walk around the corner to “the Hut”, a twelve step meeting place, every day, here, in Greenville NC. (I’m not afraid of creeps knowing how to find me. I would welcome the distraction, but I would warn them that it would not be a wise choice to accost me in any way 😉).

I’ve thought of joining the partner program here, on Medium, but I’m afraid that the pressure to put out essays every day would trigger some very bad … well, you get the picture…

So, yes, I do understand.💖🙏🏼💜🙏

I’ve had a few old and ignorant rednecks at the Hut, start talking about “disability freeloading”, but I simply explain that I not only worked for twenty years, but am an honorably discharged, decorated, USNavy veteran and a veteran of desert storm and mogidishu,(blackhawk down), though I don’t mention that I was not in the hot zone,(or I most likely wouldn’t be here to write this).

Being loudmouth bullies, and bullies are all chicken-shit, that shuts them up…but having to confront idiots does something to me that takes a while to get over…

Oh, you may not know, I’m a transgender woman, so there’s that, the disphoria, fear, shame and silent-scream anxiety, underlying it all…

I’m 62, and getting better. I’ve come to accept that I’ll never be “normal”, whatever that is 🙄.

You will get better too. I find that studying Tibetan Buddhism is a great help, especially the mindfulness meditation…connection with others is a key part of recovery…as well.

Peace Love Kindness Respect the more you give the more you get 😍 start with yourself 😉 because you deserve it ❤️🙏🏼

--weezi--💖🙏🏼💜🙏