Starting with the gender dysphoria, which hit me hard at the beginning of puberty, (the harassment in Jr high school, for being such a “sissy”, “faggot”, etc…), I began drinking and taking drugs. For 45 years…. until September 21,2018, when I finally got sober and clean. I transitioned, beginning in 1993, at 35 years old. Although Kurt Buis,(pron. “Bise”), in San Diego, didn’t say, “transition and you won’t be an alcoholic any more”, all the talk of “self-medicating” leads one to think that. Of course, that didn’t happen.

When I was finally transitioned, for many years, and I finally was able to really get sober, sep 2018, my life has, slowly started getting better. I’ve lost the obsession for alcohol and drugs, with the help of my strange, nebulous, higher power, and my 77 year old sponsor,(who’s higher power is a sort of, “you know…the universe”?), I’m in my 18th month of sobriety, but I go to meetings every day. That’s my job…staying sober and helping others with the same problem…I’m “totally and permanently disabled, diagnosed in 98 with, “major depressive disorder, with suicide attempts” and “major anxiety disorder, with panic attacks and agoraphobia”, and “BPD”!(never mind GID🙄).

I’ve done an awful lot of crying 😭, and I’ve nearly died half a dozen or more times, boat wreck that smashed the side of my head in, “right, tempero-parietal skull depression,(god this is such a long list, need another pack of cigarettes…brb),ahh…3cm high at the front, 13cm long, 7cm high at the back, a year in the house with just membrane and skin over the hole, taking Dilantin, Valium, and I don’t remember what else…then a “right, tempero-parietal cranioplasty taken from the right illiac crest…at various times, broken collar bone, knuckles, toes, feet, hmmm🤔, oh, arm, teeth….. after sitting in a recliner for about 23 and a half hours a day, high on opioids, for a month…pneumonia, with sepsis, thoracotomy, and a week and a half on a respirator…. that was in 2013…ahh, let me see 🤔, 2010s…cronic pancreatitis for 8 years, during which time I didn’t drink, but took loads of opioids and smoked pot every day, until such time as my tummy could handle alcohol again 🙄…and those are just the major traumas…. there were many, many more physical and emotional traumas interspersed throughout….

The 70s, in particular are just a ten year blur…

In all, I don’t think this phone has enough memory,(nor do I), to make anything remotely approaching a complete list….

After all of that, I’m relatively healthy, except for my heart, lungs and, oh…forgot…throw in a couple of heart attacks, from stress, my arteries are still clean🙄(go figure…).

I could look for scars and try to remember where I got them…🤔🙄. The emotional scar-tissue is fading, being worked through, day by day and time passes and I have what I always wanted…. just some peace of mind, Peace with myself, and Peace with the world…😇🙏🏼 That’s all I ever really wanted…just.some.fucking. Peace.

Okay, I think I must be done, for now, my eyes are brimming over…. again….

Thanks for reading my sad tale…wwaaaa!

🙄😂🤮 I keep needing to get it out, periodically…Peace Love Kindness Respect the more you give the more you get 😍 start with yourself 😉😘😇 🙏🏼

…and people wonder how I can stare down a large, angry man, with out the slightest sign of fear…a little smile, even…it’s not because I can beat him up or anything…it’s just because I ran out of fear, of physical damage…. I’ll live, I always live…😢 it’s getting better, I just couldn’t sleep last night and I’m tired…. I’ll probably live forever…fucking sigh. I ran out of antihistamine to help me sleep because my SSDI check, I had to wait for it, so I have the money, but my feet are swollen and I can’t walk to the store…I’ll probably sleep soon…. and I didn’t even get to sex, rapes, etc, etc, et fucking cetera

PS: go to my profile and scroll down to “Gender Dysphoria Kills”…😘