Interesting. I was always motivated by pleasing a significant other. I know, I know, I have to work on my self-love…I am, but it’s slow going.

When I was cooking dinner for a group of us, I would have everything timed perfectly. It was a ballet of cooking skills.

I washed each pot and pan immediately after putting it’s contents in the serving dish. Rarely was there an item that needed soaking. I made sure to wash it before it cooled too much. I finished the pots and pans quickly, because most family and friends would try to refuse to eat before I sat at the table….(generally, some of the men would have no problem digging in right away, unless their conscience was also in attendance), (ie; wife, girlfriend, mother).

I sat and ate…not too huridly, but conscious that I wanted to finish as close to first as possible, so I could get up and start washing dishes before anything started to dry, and stick.

Then I could get beverages served, and enjoy the company…. until washing everything immediately after it wound down…

Then I could breath a sigh of relief and begin my nighttime rituals.

Now, I’m 61, family completely estranged,(or deceased), even my only child, who lives three thousand miles away, and hasn’t spoken to me for nearly three years. (she’s a Jehovah’s Witless now).

I now live in a one bedroom apartment, with a sink full of dishes, and magazines and other unimportant papers strewn on the floor…

I try to take the advice of my friends and just do a small portion every day, but I just don’t care enough to try.

I’ve been on antidepressants for years, and at this point, it’s a victory just to not have strong suicidal thoughts.

Wow! I’m sorry, that just popped out! I’m going to be brave and not delete it